The focus of this issue of my newsletter is parenting and working with boys and young men. There has been a lot of concern about their plight in the last few years. Some of this is fueled by genuine concern for the difficult challenges that boys face today, especially those in poor economic circumstances, boys of color, queer youth, and immigrant boys. Some of the concern is because of the continuing high levels of violence that boys and young men perpetrate against each other and against young women. Unfortunately, some of the concern is also fueled by male backlash against the gains in opportunities (there is still a long way to go) that girls have experienced. There are still too few resources that are useful for parents, teachers, and youth workers and which include attention to the diversity of boys and issues of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, sexuality, and violence. This issue contains resources that I recommend, some tools that we developed at the Oakland Men’s Project, and an article I’ve written on working with boys. For those of you running programs for teenage young men, our Young Men’s Work: Stopping Violence & Building Community remains one of the few curricula available and continues to be widely used. Further resources are available on my website at www.paulkivel.com.

Used in combination with the Act Like a Man Box, the following father/son roleplay easily leads into a discussion of male socialization and how that training is not only hurtful to boys, but leads directly to various forms of male violence and collusion with sexism. The roleplay and the focus on male socialization are not an explanation for sexism, but they do provide an entry point for boys and men to begin discussing the impact that patriarchy has on them and how it leads to violence against women, children, and other males.

A ten-year-old boy is in a chair at home watching television. His dad walks through the door holding a piece of paper.

Dad: Turn off that set.

Son: Aw Dad . . .

Dad: Turn it off. Now! This place is a mess; why isn’t it cleaned up?

Son: I was going to do it after this show.

Dad: Excuses. You always have excuses. Have an excuse for this? What is this?

Son: My report card.

Dad: I know that. Right here, math, D.

Son: I did the best I could.

Dad: Sure you did. You’re just stupid. You know what D stands for? It stands for Dummy.

Son: (starting to get up) That’s not fair.

Dad: Sit down. I didn’t say you could go anyplace.

Son: (looks down, near tears)

Dad: What’s the matter, you gonna cry about it? Poor little momma’s boy. You’re just a wimp. (Pushes him off chair onto floor.) When are you going to grow up and act like a man around here? (Storms off.)

After this roleplay we usually start the discussion by asking a few questions about what happened such as: how do you think this boy felt while this was happening, what is he learning from his father about what it means to be a man, where else might he be getting similar messages, these questions lead into the discussion of the Act Like a Man Box and eventually to a discussion of what boys do to prove that they are “in the box” and what it costs them to be there.

Free your mind: the Book for Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Youth and Their Allies by Ellen Bass and Kate Kaufman

Raising Boys Without Men: How Maverick Moms Are Creating the Next Generation of Exceptional Men by Peggy Drexler

Starting Out Right: Nurturing Young Children as Peacemakers by Kathleen McGinnis and Barbara Oehlberg

Boys Will Be Boys: Breaking the Link Between Masculinity and Violence by Myriam Miedzian

Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood by William Pollack

Everyday Acts against Racism: Raising Children in a Multiracial World edited by Maureen T. Reddy

The Courage to Raise Good Men by Olga Silverstein & Beth Rashbaum

Paul was in Edmonton, Alberta this fall at the Sixth Annual Regional Diverse Voices: Family Violence Conference where he ran workshops focused on raising boys, and working with young men. Paul also spoke about the role of white people in uprooting racism. This photo was taken during one of the workshops; participants were asked to brainstorm words for the “Act Like a Man Box.” Later the Paul acted in the father/son roleplay found earlier in this newsletter. 2007 marks the 25th anniversary of the Father/son roleplay. Other versions of the roleplay can be found in in Men’s Work and in Boys Will be Men.

We have updated our resources page to include a list of books for boys to read or to have read to them, and a videography for boys and young men.

We have also added new articles by Paul including.
 Boys will Be Men: Guiding Your Sons from Boyhood to Manhood
 Raising Jewish Boys
 Social Service or Social Change (revised and expanded version)